cry for life

Life goes on, it must, but it seems somehow more routine. Mundane.
Like I'm going through the motions but blindfolded. Slow motion almost.
I eat but no longer taste.
I sleep but wake still feeling drained.
There's a constant fog over my days. I can't escape it.
Guilt follows laughter. Guilt follows tears. There's no handbook on how to feel.
Anxiety rises. Fear threatens my soul. I pray.
The sun seems darker. The trees shorter. Majesty is gone. The sky is dull.
I long to be in awe of something again.
My heart is broken. A piece of it lies somewhere else and I can't do anything to make it come back. Nothing. I feel helpless.
What is my place? Where does God take over? Will I know when it happens?
I search desperately for the words. I search desperately for the actions.
Overflowing with willingness and yet bound by humanness.
Somehow it feels better to wish pain upon myself. Understanding escapes me.
I can't breathe.
Desperate to live again. Desperate to return to before.
On my knees. Trying to live. A constant mess. Emotional wreck. Fighting fear.
Hoping for a miracle.
Longing for life.
It's not fair.