in my mind's eye...

On the morning of September 11, 2001 I was getting dressed and ready for my morning college classes at NOC. I was trying to hurry because I had to pick up Brandon on my way to school. He was riding with me that day. We took turns "carpooling", if you can call it that since it was really just me and him! I was in a particularly good mood that morning because just a few days before, on September 8, Brandon had proposed to me! I had been waiting on and expecting a proposal all summer and suddenly felt like college was so much less important. I just wanted to get to work planning my wedding! I didn't even turn on the TV that morning, which was very weird in our house. I still lived with my parents and someone always had the news on somewhere. Whether it was on in my parents' bedroom or in the den, someone was almost always watching, but for some reason that morning no one in our house knew what was going on. I just remember brushing my teeth really fast and rushing out the door. When I got in my car, I turned on the radio just in time to hear that a plane had hit the first World Trade Center Tower. They reported it as "breaking news" but added that it was assumed to be simply an accident. Just a plane flying too low or a pilot who was confused. I was shocked and saddened but went on with my morning. The moment I pulled up to Brandon's house the radio broadcaster announced that a second plane had now hit the other World Trade Center Tower. In that moment we all knew...this was no accident. The broadcaster sounded frantic now. My heart skipped a beat. I turned off my car and ran into Brandon's house. He too lived with his parents. As I walked through the front door, I asked "are you watching the news?" before I said anything else. I think fear showed on my face. They weren't watching TV either. We ran down the steps into the den and turned on the news. It didn't matter what channel you watched, the coverage of what was happening in New York City was on nearly every station. We sat in silence just watching, hanging on every word of the news man. We were in shock. Confused. I cried. When we did speak, we asked more questions then anything. We weren't really asking our questions to anyone inparticular, and no one in the room answered, we just felt the need to ask "why". We were actually watching the news when a reporter suddenly said that an explosion had been felt at the Pentagon. There was construction going on at the Pentagon at the time so they weren't for sure if what they had felt and heard was actually part of the attack happening in New York or simply something related to the construction but we soon found out that, yes, another plane had crashed itself into yet another building. More questions came. How long would this attack last? What was next? What should we do? I honestly did not want to go to college that morning but Brandon was the voice of reason and we drove to class. I sat in my morning english class, amongst my classmates, in complete silence. No one was chatting or laughing or giggling about what they had done over the weekend. It was total and complete silence. Eery silence. When my english teacher walked through the door she was overly upbeat and cheery. I knew immediately that she had no idea what had happened that morning or what was probably still happening out there in the world somewhere. Our teacher quickly noticed how quiet the room was and a girl on the front row spoke up. She asked our teacher if she had watched the news that morning and went on to recount what we all had seen live on TV so far. As the girl spoke she began to cry. Our teacher was shocked and devastated. It just so happens, that our english teacher had lost her brother-in-law in a tragic plane crash with Oklahoma State University not too long before this horrific day. Her face said that she knew first hand what so many were experiencing that very moment. Sudden loss. Sudden sorrow. We didn't have english class that morning.

After a class of tears and stories, I went to find Brandon. I had to go home. I was overwhelmed, sad and didn't want to go to one more class. Brandon and I drove back to Ponca Ctiy. We went to his parent's house and sat ourselves right back in front of the TV and watched as the news played video of the collapsing towers over and over again. They showed the press conference with our president George W. Bush and speculated about who had attacked us and why. They also speculated about how our country would respond. I eventually had to go to work. Just like college, though, no work was being done. As many people as could possibly fit were crammed into the break room watching a tiny TV set. Everyone's desk radios were cranked up so that we could hear them no matter where we ventured to throughout the building. We just sat at our desks. Someone would speak from time to time but it was just to reiterate how sad they were or how they couldn't believe what was happening. We wondered out loud how many the death toll would come to. We wondered what attacks would come in the coming days, weeks and months. When would it end? Who had done this? Why?

For days we stayed glued to our TV sets every chance we got. Sure, life went on, at least in some form but it was more about going through the motions and getting just enough done so that you could turn back on the TV or radio and find out the latest news. The reports came one after the other of bodies being recovered, fireman being found and body parts surfacing that couldn't be identified. We watched with anticipation as the rubble changed day after day. The scenery was never the same. Slowly audio recordings came out of those who were inside the towers before they fell and had called their wives, mothers and siblings to say they loved them and goodbye. 911 calls were released. Air traffic control recordings came out too. With every recording, every picture, every piece of video and every real time account of a person's personal experience came out the pieces of the 9/11 puzzle slowly came together. Now, 10 years later those pieces are still being released and we are still learning new information it seems every single day. In the weeks and months following September 11th businesses posted Bible verses, uplifting quotes and phrases of American pride on their marquees. Flags flew in every American city on nearly every home and people seemed to feel connected somehow. Even all the way here in Oklahoma you seemed to feel more compassion for the person next to you in line at Wal-Mart or the fellow movie goer sitting across the aisle from you. Life seemed so frail and our priorities shifted without us even making a conscience effort to do so. Everyone went back to basics making time for Sunday dinners and kisses goodnight. We ALL made sure we said "I love you" to those who meant so much to us each and every time we left them...even if it was just to run to the grocery store.

Ten years after 9/11 the world is not the same. We now live in a world of war and the evidence of hate is always visible and always talked about. We have, though, moved on in some ways and not always for the better. If we're not careful we allow our lives to become cluttered again. We get busy. We forget to say "I love you" or take the time to read one more story to our kids before they fall asleep. We figure there will "always be tomorrow" and so we put things off and simply get lazy. With each anniversary of that seemingly routine September morning, however, I am reminded that life truly is short. I am reminded that it matters more to be a few minutes late to work because you gave your kids one more hug then it is to get a little ahead. I'm constantly learning that life truly happens within my daily interruptions and instead of rolling my eyes every time my kids holler "mommy!" that tiny voiced interruption is really a memory just waiting to be made. I will never forget September 11, 2001 and it doesn't feel like 10 full years have passed since that day. I can literally see that day in my minds eye minute by agonizing minute. I can see myself standing in my bathroom brushing my teeth. I can see myself driving my car to Brandon's house. I can see my teacher's face as she learned what all she had missed that morning and most of all I can still feel the anxiety of that morning each and every time an image of the burning trade towers flashes across my TV screen. It's almost as if I'm watching a scary movie for the first time and I'm hoping that somehow the people will get out alive and there will be a happy ending...even though, in reality, I've seen this movie many times over the last ten years and I know how it ends. I know that many people lost their lives that day and I know that many heroes were born in tragedy without the slightest second thought as to what they were sacrificing to save the life of someone else. I am thankful for the brave.

This is the first year that I have explained any of 9/11 to my boys, at all. I put everything in very basic terms and tried my best not to scare them but I want them to know what happened. They know that their Uncle Tyler fights "bad guys" in the Army and I want them to make the connection, no matter how basic, as to why Uncle Tyler does what he does. It was very sweet today as I did my best to put into little-boy-language what happened ten years ago and then told the boys that those are the very bad guys their Uncle Tyler went to fight! They were so excited and so proud that Uncle Tyler is a "good guy" and that because of HIM we are safe! They truly believe that they're Uncle Tyler found the bad guys (probably single handedly!) and now we are safe. He is their hero!

I know September 11th was a long time ago and so much life has happened between then and now but I hope and pray that we as a country, and even myself as an individual, never ever forget where we were, what we were doing or how we felt that fateful day. We learned so much that morning and in the months that followed and those are lessons that I want to live out in my life, no matter how long it may last. We are never promised tomorrow so let's actually LIVE today!