self inflicted

FROM "A LESSON LEARNED"
As most of you know, this past week was Camp Cousin! This is a week where Rae and I get our kids together to do a full week of "fun stuff" and just hang out together and stay connected since we don't live in the same town anymore. Needless to say, we try and cram so much stuff into this week that it gets extremely tiring. We are tired, obviously, and the kids even get tired too. We have them nap when we get the chance, in our schedule, but mostly we just push through filling our days with musuems, zoos, parks and picnics! By the end of the week, you can only imagine the break downs we are all having...especially the kids. Well, this year's Camp Cousin was no different. On Thursday night, after 4 full days of cram packed fun, Maddox had had enough. Elia was outside swinging with her daddy and I saw my window of opportunity to get my boys in and out of the shower quickly before Elia came back in. (You see, we can't really let them take baths together anymore...they are getting too curious!) So, I announced to Ashtyn and Maddox that it was time for a shower. They take both showers and baths these days. I usually let them take baths, most of the time, but especially on nights when we are in a hurry or overly tired I just stick them in the shower and make the process much quicker. Tonight, however, when I announced we were taking a shower Maddox wasn't too happy. He wanted to play in the bath. I told him that "tonight we were taking a shower" but he decided to resist my decision. I know that it was a combination of strong will and lack of sleep but whatever the reason Maddox went into full on break down mode. He refused to get undressed and produced crocodile tears on command (something Maddox is VERY good at). It always pulls at my heart strings to see his twisted, crying face with tears streaming down but I knew I had to stick to my guns. I put Ash in the shower and then struggled to get Maddox undressed and in the shower as well. Once inside, Maddox took his "fit" up a notch. The tears grew bigger, the crying got louder and he began yelling things like "I don't wanna take a shower!" at the top of his lungs. I tried to ignore him and put on a happy face while going about my business happily washing Ashtyn's hair and helping him out of the tub. As Ashtyn put on his PJ's and brushed his teeth, Maddox got even louder...if that's possible. He stood in the shower, arms crossed and lip out. I continued to ignore his behavior and every now and then simply asked him if he was ready for me to wash his hair. He would lash out each time with a stubborn "NO!" and a grunt under his breath and I would walk away to interact with Ash and go about my business trying to prove to Maddox that his little trantrum wasn't having an effect on me and I would eventually wear him down. Well...our little shower scuffle came to a head when after minutes (that felt like hours) of listening to Maddox cry and scream from behind the shower curtain, I walked into the bathroom having made the decision to wash his hear, whether he liked it or not, and then put him to bed. As I pulled back the shower curtain, however, and tried to put shampoo in his hair Maddox picked up a washcloth and threw it at me and then tried to run away from me inside the shower. He almost slipped and then that made him cry all over again. I couldn't believe what had just happened. Now, Maddox has a temper and we've seen him throw a toy or two and he's even lashed out at Brandon when Brandon is trying to punish him but he's always approached me very differently. Tonight, though, I guess it was my turn. As soon as I comprehended what was happening, I grabbed a bath towel, wrapped it around Maddox and lifted him from the tub. I took him to his room, put on a diaper and put him in his bed. I told him not to come out until he was ready to wash his hair. I shut off his bedroom light and left the room shutting the door behind me. Obviously, Maddox didn't like one bit what had just happened. He cried and yelled from his room but I just ignored his behavior once again. When I heard him settling down and the whimper that comes after a hard cry beginning, I slowly opened his door and quietly walked in. I found Maddox laying in his bed with his pajamas on (which I didn't put on him) underneath his covers and almost asleep. I knelt down next to his bed and rubbed his back. I asked him if he was ready to wash his hear and he rolled over with swollen eyes and wet face, rubbed his eyes and said "I'm tired". My heart broke. I began to tear up. I knew I had done the right thing but my baby was crying himself to sleep all because he wants to wash his hair in the bathtub and not the shower.
Lesson Learned? As i sat there, heart breaking, watching my baby boy soothe himself with tears, it hit me...hard. I do this, we all do this, to God all the time. He asks us to do something SO simple and because it's not exactly the way we wanted to do it or not exaclty what we wanted to do we throw a huge fit. We cross our arms, stomp our feet and scream at the top of our spiritual lungs in protest and refusal. We lash out and push God away refusing to accept His help through our situation. We want nothing more then for God to leave us alone. Then we eventually find ourselves self soothing and crying ourselves to sleep. We feel all alone. We feel as though we have been abandoned. In reality, God is standing right outside our door just waiting for us to come back out and say that we are ready and willing to do things His way. All He wants us to do is approach Him, to run back into His arms. He is listening to us cry and just waiting for us to come back. His heart is breaking as well. When I finally entered Maddox's room it broke my heart to hear him say "I'm tired". Why? Because he had done this to himself and didn't even realize it. He said those words to me as if I had caused his pain and that hurt me. When we refuse to follow God and refuse to do even the simplest of tasks we are fighting a battle that will only make us tired and worn out. We so often find ourselves in the fetal position, drenched in our own tears wondering why God has allowed all of this to happen to us when in reality we have pushed Him away and done it to ourselves. We could have avoided so much if only we had obeyed. What are you resisting? Why are you tired? Why are you standing firm and refusing to move forward? What is God asking YOU to do? It's a simple question and when we look back on these situations in our life we often wonder "Why did I freak out about that?" "What was I so afraid of?" "What He was asking me seems so simple, now!" But in the midst we flail about and throw a full on hissy fit. Examine yourself. Examine what God is doing in your life. Are YOU wearing yourself out by trying to do things YOUR way?

"Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall." Psalm 55:21-23