a maybe miracle

Just before the 4th of July I started not feeling well. I had one full day where my stomach hurt on and off. My energy was low and I just didn't feel "myself". That night, as I laid in bed trying to rest away whatever this thing was, my stomach started cramping like I've never felt before! I tossed and turned, got up laid down, walked and rolled, DESPERATELY trying to find a comfortable position that would alleviate the pain. I was almost to my breaking point when the pain subsided enough to let me fall asleep. In total, I had the stomach pains for about four hours that first night. Thankfully I was able to sleep the entire night (I was afraid I would wake up in the middle of the night experiencing severe pain again) and the next morning I woke up feeling better but still not great. The second day went about like the first. I would think I felt better so I would get out of bed only to feel weak and nauseous moments later and have to head back to bed. I absolutely HATE being sick! I hate being forced to slow down. When I do get sick I would rather it come and go quickly so that I can get back to life and tackle something on my to do list. There's nothing I hate more than wasting a day. So, laying in bed for two days in a row was as damaging to my emotional health as this mystery sickness was to my physical body. Ugh!

As the nighttime of day two approached I felt my stomach cramping up again. It started slowly but before I knew it my stomach was cramping even more severely than the night before! When the pain hit its worst, on top of everything else, I started having an anxiety attack. I don't talk about my battle with anxiety often and, in fact, I don't know that I've ever brought it up on my blog but the truth is I've struggled with anxiety my entire life. It wasn't until after having my youngest son that I was prescribed an emergency anxiety medication. It's not something I take all the time, and in fact I rarely take it at all, but when I need it I need it. Unfortunately, as I felt my anxiety rise and that turned into a full blown panic attack I went to look for my medication and realized I was completely out. That's not a good thing to discover at 9:30 at night when you're having a panic attack and you're in the most severe pain you've felt since childbirth! I suddenly felt trapped and scared but being the tough girl I am I told myself to "suck it up" and laid back in bed to try and wait this thing out. My body had other plans. After crying myself through another hour and a half of pure pain and eventually having some face time with the porcelain throne in the bathroom, I finally told Brandon at 11PM that we needed to go to the Emergency Room. I felt more ashamed than anything that I waited so long to seek help and now we had to wake up our boys from a deep sleep, load them into the car and make the drive to the hospital. The boys didn't wake up easily but Brandon was able to get them to the car. I hobbled my way to the passenger seat and begged Brandon to get there as soon as possible. I just remember repeating over and over "I'm not going to make it! I'm not going to make it!"

After checking in with ER Admissions I sat in the waiting room. I felt really embarrassed to be moaning and groaning in the middle of the Emergency Room, my legs bouncing up and down, my head in my hands doing anything to get some relief. I'm sure people were staring at me but all pride went out the window when that kind of pain hit me! It wasn't too long of a wait before the nurse announced my name and escorted me, Brandon and my pajama clad, half asleep kids to a private room. The doctor came in moments later and asked me for my symptoms. As I spoke, both the doctor and nurse were suspicious that maybe I was having an issue with my gallbladder. I was worried.

The kindest nurse quickly took care of me. As the doctor took down my symptoms and explained the process to me, this wonderful nurse hooked me up to an IV drip, took my vitals, took my blood (a lot of it!) and administered pain meds to me through my IV. She was an angel. When I told her I was nervous about having the pain medication (because I had never had anything like that before) she took the time to explain everything to me and then gave me the medicine veeerrryyy slowly so that I wouldn't have too quick a reaction. Within seconds, though, all my fears of the pain medicine were put to rest when my pain almost instantly went away! For the first time in HOURS I was able to lay my head back and relax! I could actually relax! My whole body finally felt free!

I rested in my hospital bed for about a half hour, laying under a warmed hospital blanket (they brought Ash one too because he was cold!) before the doctor came back in with my lab results. He said that thankfully all of my lab work came back normal! Hallelujah! He said that he still had some suspicions about my gallbladder and that I should continue changing my diet and making healthy choices but for now I looked a-okay! He said I should finish my IV bag, as I was dehydrated when I entered the ER, and then I could go home. It was a long night but I'm so glad that I decided to go in, get some help with the pain I was experiencing and ultimately put my mind at rest that this was just some freak illness and not something scary.

I'm not a person who looks for things that aren't there. I'm pretty black and white and, I know this might surprise some people, but I fight every day not to be a glass-half-empty personality. I make myself look for the silver lining and remind myself to be thankful each and every day. I joke that it's the detriment of being a writer! Ha! We think too much (too deeply) and can be quite sensitive. But being someone who hates stereotypes I don't let myself believe that too much...even though it's probably true. This part of my personality overflows into my spiritual life. I tend to lean toward the skeptical side and hold my relationship with God very close to my heart. I keep most things private and show boating in church makes me suspicious. I do however believe whole heatedly in giving God praise when it is due. I don't know what was wrong with me those two days in late June. I don't know if I had a virus, if I had food poisoning or if something more serious was going on but I do know that when my family and I were first escorted to our hospital room that night and the nurse was hooking me up to all the equipment I looked over at my sons (I was worried that they were scared seeing me in this state) and when I made eye contact with Maddox he said "Mom. I've already prayed for you three times..." Pain level, nausea level, fear and anxiety...it all suddenly took a backseat as my heart melted. There sat my 8-year old boy, in his super hero pajamas, barefoot, wishing he was back at home in his warm bed and he was saying silent prayers for his mama. All I could do was thank him. Whether my lab tests came back normal that night because there was really nothing wrong, because it was a simple stomach illness OR because maybe God heard Maddox's prayers and healed my body before any blood was drawn doesn't matter one bit to me. All that matters now is that my son said a prayer, he believed God was big enough and within an hour he walked out of the hospital with me holding my hand.

I hope I don't EVER feel the pain from that night ever again! EVER AGAIN! And the next day I was able to laugh about how old it made me feel for a doctor to say "keep an eye on your gallbladder..." but above all else I felt overwhelmed with thanks for my family. I felt thankful for my husband for taking care of me, for my boys for being understanding and most of all for Maddox's prayers. Oh! And just in case you're wondering, YES, I did go to my family doctor and get a refill on my anxiety medication. I haven't had to take any yet but I know it's there. Just in case. Back up for my worry filled, glass-half-empty personality changed at least a little bit by the uninhibited faith of my eight year old son one very late night in the ER.